Life update…things have been fought but the storm has passed with thankfully not too much damage. Coach says we will be ready, so WE WILL BE READY.
Last weeks check in I weighed in at a high 138.6 lbs and an extra 1/2 inch on my waist. After my job trauma and trying to get back in my feet financially, I’m happy to say I’m back at my old job and thriving!
However just as I was recovered from that, disaster happens. My precious rescue pup, Gryffindor, started feeling sick. He had diarrhea and so I fed him some chicken and rice which stopped that but then he started vomiting and becoming lethargic. I managed to get a vet appointment somehow and got him in to find he was in extreme kidney failure. No signs or symptoms until it was too late and there was nothing they could do.
I’m not even going to go in to how devastated I was and still am because that would be a whole different blog post. Needless to say I had a few days of eating my feelings and drinking wine, hence the weight skyrocket.
After that weekend I am back on track and weight was down, and up and back down. It’s kind have been all over the place which makes me nervous because I’m NPC you need to be much leaner than when I previously competed in OCB.
I’m staying on track and hoping that changes start coming in because with the extra food I ate I have been pushing hard in the gym as well.
My schedule is still far fuller than I’d like it to be, and I have a project I need to get off my plate and that will leave me with nothing to focus on but NASM studying and prep.
It’s show day!! They say when all the struggles and hard work show UP!
I weighed in at 130, which is 2 lbs away from my high school senior weight and I look better than ever and am ready to crush it.
Morning started with a fasted check in, then slowly getting to work on hair and makeup. Stage time isn’t until 4:30 and I got an extended check out time to 1:00.
First meal was apple and pb Better Oats with some egg whites and protein powder, and sipping some dry red wine while meticulously doing my makeup.
Decided to go with hair down straight for this one! It was just so hot and humid that I was worried about holding any curl and there was nowhere for touch ups.
The picture doesn’t do it much justice but my makeup came out BOMB and I did it myself unlike last time when I had to try to rig half the fake eyebrows I didn’t want off and ended up with weird splotches all over my face 🤦🏼♀️
Last check in before we leave for the venue! Went to heat up my last meal of lean ground turkey and rice with some salt, packed the car, and headed over. It was soooo HOT OUT!
The event was held at West Springfield High School….and their mascot is the West Terriers! If any of you follow me on Instagram or know me, you know I had a Westie (West Highland White Terrier) from the time she was 8 weeks old until she passed in 2019 and she was my BABY. So I walk in the door and there’s a statue that looks just like her and I have to stop tears because I feel like she’s watching over me and rooting for me!
Also the venue had NO service and I couldn’t get on the wifi because you needed…service to connect to the stupid wifi so I was STRESSED. I couldn’t talk to my coach or Allan. Thankfully this was my second show because if it was my first and I didn’t know how/ when to pump and what to eat I’d be a MESS. Thankfully I found Allan in the lobby while I was searching for service to tell Malayna I’m alive I just have no service. He tried to get my phone online but they were calling us for backstage and I didn’t have time if I wanted to eat and pump so he got a quick kiss, handed my camera and went to go find a spot to film!
I was also backstage with a friend I made at my last show, Marissa, and all the girls were super nice and some were first timers. It was SO hot because the AC went down!
My first division was Masters 35+. This division was BRUTAL. We were up there for over 10 minutes, pouring sweat and shaking. I could literally feel the sweat from the broken AC dripping down me and praying it wasn’t ruining my tan or makeup. Just keep posing, just keep smiling! With the little amount of water we drink in show day I was kinda worried about passing out, but thank goodness when it was over I’ve never been so happy!!! I said to one of the other girls….I don’t even want to go out for open now, I’m done (haha)!
These are some of the photos from the beginning of the round, when we weren’t dripping! I ended up in 3rd place in this division!
Next was open, Marissa and I were in this one together which was fun!
And on to awards! I was super happy to win second in open (I thought I would never have a chance in open!) and third in Masters 35+!
I was thinking of changing my suit color to a cranberry, purple or more of a teal blue for my next show but the more I look at these the more I loveeee Royal on me! Just maybe a larger top size since the girls didn’t shrink as much as I though and I like the single strand connectors better.
Here are some more stage shots!
And after of course Allan wanted to deliver allllll my cravings so I ate a Drizzle cookie, and he brought me a big box of local gourmet donuts and a bottle of champagne to hold me over before we went to dinner.
I still have lots of work to do before stepping on an NPC stage. Glute building and coming in lean lean leaner. November 12 will be my first NPC show and last show of the season before taking a well deserved off season to build. While I’m nervous about people making comments about “getting fat again” I’m hoping to be able to maintain 10 lbs above stage weight so next time I compete I won’t have 30 to lose like I did this time around. The only reason I even want to do the show is because I want the feedback before an off season, and to see how I do on that type of stage.
We’re dreaming bigger and better!
Also, what do you guys think about changing the suit up? Stick with royal? Try a different shade of blue? Red? Purple? Teal?????
WARNING: This blog post is RAW, and has triggers of drinking, eating disorders, suicide and depression.
One year ago I was thriving financially, getting tons of lucrative shifts at my bar job, but I was dying slowly inside.
I was working a lot, and making more money than I ever had before. I started working with my coach, and dabbled in the idea of competing.
But, I was also drinking alcohol nearly every night…ok, actually every night. I had just gone through a traumatic couple of relationships, and alcohol and the gym was the only thing that eased my pain. I was also training for a marathon. Yea, I know, it all sounds messed up!
I wasn’t tracking my alcohol, and siting around 150-155lbs at 5’7″.
I kinda felt on top of the world though. I was making money, it was no issue for one of the first times in my life. I was planning a vacation to Florida to visit my Mom, who I missed terribly after she moved the year before. Rent was no issue. I had a couple close friends and no boy problems. But I was drinking every day. Whether I was working or not, working out or not, I would crack that bottle of wine, tequila or vodka open every night and tell myself I deserved it for working so hard.
Marathon training intensified, and I was working hard in the gym. Alcohol helped me get through long, late night shifts, and customers always wanted to buy shots so it helped fill my tip bucket. So I thought, I earned it, I ran 10 miles today! I was kind-is following my plan from my coach, not tracking my drinks, guesstimating macros instead of weighing my food, and thinking I was “trying”. I went to visit my Mom and had a great time, so great I actually want to try to move down that direction because I feel it fits me so much more that freezing cold, no job availability Rhode Island.
Here is where things started to change. I came back from Florida and work was slower, and I had to start dipping into my savings to pay rent. I splurged on things I didn’t really need. I had a spending habit and a lifestyle I was used to. But my cheese started to move (read the book “Who Moved My Cheeese?” if you have no idea what I’m talking about.) While it wasn’t awful, it wasn’t great. Then my bar shift began to get cut and I was only waitressing, which wasn’t awful, but wasn’t as dependable. All my shifts started to fall on holidays or snowstorms that made the roads impassable. My savings was wiped clean in a few short months. I was struggling.
I had sent a show to my coach that I was interested in and she was ready to start my prep in January. Well, after getting the rona and being out of work, snowstorms messing up my jam, and being inexplicably cut off the bar, I wasn’t in the greatest mental state. I would drink, eat whatever, and then feel guilty that I would let everyone down and would go back to my old habits of purging. I would drink so much I would feel sick for 2 days. My weight pretty much stayed around 150 and I was upset I wasn’t losing, after all, we had a show date of April 30 now.
My job was unstable, only having 2 waitressing shifts a week, I started to apply for graphic design jobs again, with nothing but rejection and feelings of worthlessness, and started working on my wedding photography business again. Desperate, I fell for a marketing scam promising results and put $2,000 on a credit card into some stupid scam that would make you “bargain bride” ads, and tell you to search for your target bride and then friend request them and message them. Ew. So. Cringy. (If you have any questions about this, message me so you don’t fall for the same!)
I tried to get other jobs, but they were false promises. I was still doing better where I was and had my whole week free to work out, work on weddings and prep….and drink.
It wasn’t until after my birthday in February that it hit me. I’m going to be the fat girl on stage if I don’t change something. Or I let my coach down and drop the whole idea. Or I change my mindset, body and life.
After my birthday binge eating/ drinking, I had no alcohol left in the house and treats were gone. I only had healthy food and started stalking some preps on YouTube during cardio for meal ideas and prep ideas. I would have 1 drink on date nights (I might have forgot to mention I started dating a kind, caring, supportive, loyal, awesome man that December!) and that was it. I signed up for the show, not on April 30, but 2 weeks later in the OCB instead of WBFF. And what do you know, my weight started dropping like crazy. I swear those first few weeks I think I lost 10 lbs. I was weighing my food, tracking, doing lots of cardio and having my 1 drink a week. At first it was hard, I missed it and I craved it. I wasn’t “cool” anymore at work, even though I told people WHY I wan’t drinking. My friends found me boring, but my boyfriend stuck by me when I told him NO ANYTHING. No treats, not food or drink surprises, everything is planned, tracked and weighed. And I kept dropping.
While my work life got worse and I started to really go broke, my body was transforming into something I had never seen before. I would cry about struggling to pay the rent, and everyone said don’t do the show, it’s an expensive sport, but I had given up drinking entirely and it showed. I felt prouder than I ever had. My clothes were basically falling off, I WAS going to be on that stage.
Of course on my road to show day I had a ton of doubts that I would be ready, a few confidence breakdowns and struggles, but seeing the changes made me not give up. I was a more positive person, I was eating healthy and inspiring people around me to do the same. My boyfriend even lost 20 lbs during my prep!
As I drove to my hotel for the show, I felt unstoppable, a confidence I hadn’t had since maybe my teenage years. It didn’t matter what happened in the show, what placing I got (ok, I didn’t want to come in last!), I had lost 30 lbs, was healthy, and confident. I was inspiring everyone around me! They all asked how I did it and how they could do the same. I felt like I could take on the world, and I felt I could do better!
Well lo and behold, I took first in my class in Masters 35+ and 3rd in Debut! What a rush it was being on stage and making friends backstage! I had such confidence, a renewed sense of self-worth, and knew this was my thing and where I belong. I was ready to do it again, and again we did! 10 weeks later I competed in OCB Hall of Fame and placed 2nd in Open and 3rd in Masters 35+!
But a lot happened between the two shows, I messed up big time, and not on my diet. I accepted a new bar job and was promised lucrative weekend shifts, plus shifts during the week. After weighing pros and cons, and tormenting myself over the idea of leaving a job I loved for something new, I took the plunge….And I learned the hard way the grass it not always greener. Not only was the money not great, the customers are vile, and I get yelled at for eating, peeing too much, not being flirty enough with customers (aka the owners friends…I had no idea this dude was the owner) and when there is nothing to do, trying to distract myself from the fact that it’s FREEZING in there by looking at my phone (studying for the NASM, not texting)! Ok I get that you aren’t supposed to be on your phone at work, so don’t at me for that, but when you’re suck on a deserted back bar having to split with 2 other bartenders that are also bored out of their minds….what exactly are you supposed to do?
Then I finally got somewhere on a remote graphic design job at great pay, but it is only part time. I started this week and absolutely LOVE it. Pray for me it goes full time, because the thing I dislike about graphic design is that everything is a contract that ends in a few months with no benefits.
Through prep, I have pretty much been completely broke, scraping and struggling to survive. But I prevailed.
Now I believe I have ruined myself financially by making the choice to leave my job, knowing there is a slim chance I will be able to get it back (I’m going to go try so keep your fingers crossed)!
After the last show, my coach and I talked about where I want to go in this sport, and I said I will be an Olympian. I will be a personal trainer and nutrition coach. I will work harder than anyone you know. And we agreed I need to get on an NPC stage this year.
So despite the fact that I pretty much have no income, and cry every day feeling depressed, the gym and pushing in prep is what is keeping me going. It’s really all I have right now. Bodybuilding is the only thing ever in my life that I have put 150% into and it has given me 150% back of what I put in. Every job I have had has pretty much berated me, knocked me down, lied and made false promises, and made me feel worthless. My father and half my family wants nothing to do with me…and blames me for it. My Mom is the only person who loves me, and now she lives half way across the country. I feel alone 95% of the time because all my friends are busy with their husbands, living with their boyfriends, and having successful careers while I can’t even pay my rent or electric bill and nobody wants me to live with them.
Prep is the only thing keeping me going, it can’t be taken away from me.
I have on my bathroom mirror: I will do whatever it takes.
Because in 14 weeks I WILL step onto the NPC stage, tighter, leaner and better than I’ve ever been.
I will do whatever it takes.
Even though inside I feel hopeless, that money will never come, that I spend the time I’m not at the gym crying, that suicide has crossed my mind a few times, I will do whatever it takes.
I know this blog might seem negative, but I want to be honest and real with anyone that is following me. I want to show you that if I can prevail, so can you. If I lost the weight and quit drinking myself to death, so can you. If I can step on the NPC stage with basically no job and no help, so can you.
I will be an Olympian one day, and it all starts here.
I will be able to finish my NASM while growing my design/ marketing careers and my wedding photography business will blossom again.
I will do whatever it takes.
I will prevail.
And so can you.
Oh and I did enter to be an Angel Competition Bikinis Sponsored Athlete! While the negative self-doubter in me says I have no chance…..I mean, why not try! It would be the thing to save my prep, and if you never try you never know!
Now it’s time to push! I had lower carbs and 90 min of cardio yesterday after working a brutal night shift that basically made me feel like I got hit by a bus. Super emotional about having no “career” and just jumping around to bar jobs. I can’t do this 3 am thing anymore, I need a job with longevity that I can be proud of and my family can be proud of me. Maybe it’s just prep emotions, but I’m feeling it hard this week. Pushing it all out of my mind for now because we just have to FOCUS.
90 min of cardio was a struggleeeeeeeee today! But it’s done and now all I have to do is my workouts (shoulders, glutes and abs) get some studying and portfolio updating done, stretch/ foam roll, and then I’m photographing an engagement session in Jamestown at 7 if it doesn’t rain! At least that will be something fun to distract me from all my other problems! Also while looking up the donut menu for Knead Donuts down in East Greenwich, I came across this other neighboring place that has healthy smoothies bowls and is hiring nutrition coaches….so maybe once I’m all certified that will be an option for me!
Tuesday 7/19/22 131.6
Not as tired this peak week! Feeling confident and good even though I have a LOT going on with life changes. The new job doesn’t seem to be as great as expected, the money isn’t the same and the people aren’t that enjoyable to work with. I even got yelled at today for peeing too much….ummmm it’s peak week, I’m drinking a gallon and a half a day!!!
A lot of uncertainty, except for that I love bodybuilding and pushing myself. This may not be the end for me this season. I want to get on an NPC stage.
Wednesday 7/20/22 131.8
Hoping we hit the 130 mark soon! I drank my “smooth move tea” like last time to hopefully get a bowel movement before the show like last time!
Thursday 7/21/22 130.8
Super happy with the weight drop! Cardio is on the downtrend and I’m feeling good. No more work until the Sunday after the show which I’m dreading but all I’m focusing on right now is taking care of my body, eating my food and bringing my best to the stage.
I’ve been slacking on stretching and foam rolling and need to get back to doing yoga. A little nervous on doing my own makeup but I think I have everything I need and after working in nightclubs all these years I think I can manage!
Friday 7/22/22 131.8
A little frustrated with the scale but I do feel bloated and like food is sitting in my digestive system. Coach says we look good and it’s GO time! Everything is packed and ready and omg it’s HOT out. I threw on a t-shirt dress and slides to pack the car and was dripping! I always feel like I’m forgetting something, I brought my kindle and iPad to keep my occupied while I veg in the hotel all night, my study materials for NASM, as well as a nice bottle of dry wine!
I got on the road a little early since my tanning appointment was at 3:15 and check in time was 3 for the hotel. I wanted to get there early in case o could check in early which wasn’t a problem. My room was sooooo cute and the bed was super comfy! I’m excited I’ll be staying at the Marriot Bonbvoy again for my next show because I slept really good before a show for once.
After successfully rigging my queen size sheets onto the king bed (note, I would like a king bed now haha) I was off to check in and tan! My polygraph wasn’t until 8 so I wasn’t worried about the tan getting messed up, plus I held color really well last time.
So that’s it for peak week! Coach said we peaked perfectly, so next up is show day and the results!!
So I’ve had a lot on my mind lately but first I want to start with a prep update! I did a little comparison between 4 weeks out this prep vs. last prep and OMG my mind is blown! Even though the scale has gone up this week, I’m still 13 lbs less than I was at this point last prep and LOOK at the difference!
So even when you think you’re not progressing, check your progress pics, that’s what they’re there for! Not only do I look better but my posing has come a long way. I’m still probably sticking to the blue suit again for show day, but I will bring both again just in case!
And here is this weeks check in at 3 weeks out. Even though the scale is still up, Mother Nature came, I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I have had the weight of life on my mind which I will share.
So even though the scale is up, and I’m stressed and feel….constipated….and Mother Nature is still here, looking at these makes me feel good. I’m also still on a refeed, but a little bit lower of one, and have been 100% on plan. I listen to Savana Sharp’s podcast a lot while I do cardio, and she talks a lot about positive energy, the Law of Attraction and Mindset, which are things my coach also really emphasizes and I have a lot of work to do on. My mindset used to be soooo negative. It was doom, gloom, nothing will work out. When I change my mindset, good things happen. When I was doing cardio Friday, Savana talked about The Secret (read the book, must watch the movie!) and it reminded me of an Anne of Green Gables quote:
To me, this makes me think of my job. As most of you know I’ve been a bartender/ wedding photographer/ graphic designer. I graduated with my degree in Graphic Design in 2015 and worked many miserable corporate contract jobs with long commutes and days in a dark cubicle with little activity. Coming home I’d be tired, but I’d try to go to the gym or go running, then cook a healthy (but most likely over-portioned) dinner and drink a bottle of wine.
I will do a whole “My Fitness Journey” post at sometime but for this one I want to just get to the point!
So pre-2020 I was cocktail waitressing, and had about 25 weddings a year I was photographing. I was living on my own, single, making pretty good money. When The 2020 happened and both my jobs were not relevant anymore I became really depressed. What do I do with my life now? I tried applying for graphic design jobs but was unsuccessful. So I just hung out at home, ran a lot and worked out and kept my weight pretty stable even though I was drinking…A LOT.
When I could go back to work I started bartending and cocktail waitressing and money was GOOD. I was on a high, I stopped doing weddings because I just wanted to be at the club all the time and bringing in that cash money. I figured my life plan was so this as long as I was hot enough, photography on the side, save save save, buy a small house or condo, then retire to Florida and do some photography and bartend down there at a traditional place.
Well needless to say, the dynamic at work shifted and all my shifts were taken away and cut in half. On top of that, due to people being more interested in drinking at work then serving the customers, it became VERY slow, so money has been very tight since and I’ve been basically hardly getting by.
So now I’m back to…who am I? What do I do for a career as opposed to hopping from bar job to bar job? I did get a new bar job, but it’s longer hours and still stressful, and I can’t see myself doing it long term (unless I get the day shifts which are short and sweet!) and after my first bikini competition I got thinking….how can I make this lifestyle…my life? I had messages all the time “how did you do it?” “What do you eat?” And I started wondering if it’s possible to make a reasonable living helping people through health and fitness, still have time to workout because I’m not at a traditional 9-5, and live and breathe fitness while helping people achieve what I have. Since my end goal is to move to Florida, I think it would be wonderful to help active 55+ people with fitness (especially fellow golfers work on their game)!
So I signed up for my NASM Certified Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach courses! This is the first step toward my goals! I’m not sure what exactly I’d like to do in the industry, maybe start as a trainer and nutrition coach, coach online, and then someday direct programs or manage a team or trainers.
My next step is looking into getting my Masters Degree in Nutrition to have a more official title and understanding on how to help people make healthy but tasty choices and see that healthy eating doesn’t have to be gross or boring. I think I’d also like to use my design skills to write and publish cookbooks and healthy eating guides (Creative Eating Like a Bikini Competitor, Easy Clean Eating for Beginners, Eating for Health and Fitness Over 55….just some thoughts, nothing final!) and fitness guides (Fitness For Beginners, The Gym for Beginners) because I know that when I first started I’d just go down the line of gym machines with no clue, and I know a lot of people do that.
Anyway, enough rambling (although getting my thoughts out is why I have this blog hehe) it’s time to have my last snack, get to bed early and start working toward my dreams!
This past Saturday marked 7 weeks out! I started a job at a new bar and picked up a bunch of coverage shifts which is leaving me pretty sore and tired, but everyone there is soooo supportive. No one waves treats and fries in front of me or eggs me on to “just have a bite or a shot”. They don’t make fun of me for my meal prep bag and my boss even offered to heat up my chicken for me when he saw me eating it cold. Also bartenders aren’t allowed to drink at all so I don’t have to constantly explain myself to people!
Since I’m starting to get back on my feet, I signed up for the show officially and booked my tanning and paid the deposit. I’m going to be doing my own hair again and makeup this time so I’ll have to buy some lashes, contour and foundation but that shouldn’t be that big of a deal, my coach is awesome at makeup.
Weight is still the same at 134.4, even though I’ve definitely indulged in extra bites here and there and a piece of dark chocolate pretty much daily, which stops as of now. This time at least I don’t have to lose 20 lbs in 7 weeks, as I don’t see myself going much lower than like 127 ish for my 5’7” frame. I have put on some muscle in the last few weeks and am feeling great! Coach didn’t cut any food yet but gave me an extra 15 min of cardio which is fine with me because I love walking outside in the summer in my neighborhood!
I feel like I still have some good lines going and can’t wait to see what we bring to the stage this time!
In other news, golf lessons have been super fun and help me get some more steps and movement on Mondays, plus the outfits are super cute!
My mom comes to visit from Florida next weekend so I’m super excited to see her and will probably take her on my walks with me and to the gym. It’s so nice to see she’s so proud of me for this competition journey, I’m hoping that I can help her do her macros and build a workout plan as I learn more and get closer to my CPT and Nutrition certifications. I just want to let anyone out there know, you CAN do it. You CAN choose to work out and what you put in your mouth. You just have to commit, and decided to do it. Push the chips away, push the booze away, and push the toxic people away that force that shit on you. If situations arise that are food and drink centered and you don’t want it, just pop in for a bit. Birthday outings have been difficult for me, and I literally just went to one where wine and food was ordered FOR ME and I should have just left. The food was actually very healthy salmon, broccoli and rice with mango salsa…something I can have! But people ordering drinks for me…nope. Not cool. Now before I decide to do anything I’m going to make sure nothing will be forced. I’m going to tell people no means no or I don’t go. Simple.
Ok so I know I haven’t been posting as much but let me tell you, I’ve been BUSY! I started a new job with longer hours on my feet leading to more hunger and extreme irritability. I’m still stressed out and behind financially, but every day I’m doing what I can to remedy that. My first week at the new job I took a bunch of extra coverage shifts but that knocked me on my butt totally after that. I’m also studying for my Certified Personal Trainer class with NASM and making time for doggy walks, self care, spending time with my Mom when she came to visit, and my boyfriend. I know I can’t bartend like this forever, so some other career path is definitely needed, and I’d love to help other people achieve fitness and health goals like I have. Also I’ve put things into perspective in that I TRULY do want to move to Florida in the next few years, unless my boyfriend has more of an emotional commitment and we are planning a future (as opposed to him saying I’ll be buying my own house in a few years…ok then…it will be in Florida)! With Personal Training I think I would really enjoy working with a 55+ active adult population, and don’t see myself coaching and training bikini competitors even though I am 100% all about competing into the future myself! But who knows!
I’ve also put together a list of goals for summer for my mindset, spirituality and general well-being.
I’ve been going deep into my mental side lately (I’m pretty mental hehe) and after talking a bit with my Mom there is definitely some positive changes that I can make. Socially I usually avoid everyone and ignore and don’t make eye contact with people. A lot of this comes from just being creeped on by men. My Mom was telling me just say hi to people, it will make you happier! And you know what, as long as they’re not drooling men, I have been and it instantly does give me a dose of energy and makes me feel like a nicer and more outgoing person.
Second, is I swear WAY too much. Like WAY TOO MUCH. I have known this for a while and have just embraced it as a quirky trait, but if I want a professional training career with active older adults, I want to be more respectful, humble and welcoming, and not sound like a trailer park is coming out of my mouth every 5 seconds.
Ok so on to what you probably really came here for…PREP UPDATES.
We are pushing this week because I have a few days off in a row with one shift being a shorter day shift that’s not so hard. We added cardio and lowered macros because my weight has been sitting right at 132-133. Well after 3 intense and exhausting days and a really bad night sleep, it shot up to almost 135!?!? What!? I’m so confused, and have not been feeling wonderful about this. Anyway, here is this weeks check in!
Coach says don’t worry about the scale because we look good and we will be ready. So I’m enjoying some refeed carbs and fats (yayyyy extra taters and peanut butter!) and trying to spend some time on stretching and relaxing.
On the refeed note! Last prep when I got a refeed I’d go out to a restaurant and eat something (still healthy, just restaurants are harder to track exactly) and had 3 glasses of wine. This prep I’ve continued to eat the same things during the refeed, just more of them. So more rice, a top to my low calorie bread burger, more sweet taters and more oatmeal!
We’re not playing! I will be a pro, I will stay positive about my career, talents and worth. I will be successful!
I will buy a house somewhere warm and be an IFBB Pro, successful personal trainer and nutritionist and make a difference in peoples lives the way I have made changes in mine to achieve my goals. It’s never too late, and dreams have no timeframe!
So we are back to being almost 8 weeks out! I’m still hovering around stage weight despite all of the guilty indulgences I’ve had from stress the past week or so. I had half a brownie bomb at work Friday, then cupcakes at a wedding Saturday. Glad I’m no longer drinking my feelings and stresses, but the sugar monster is definitely coming out to play. Checked in with coach on Monday at 136, but then had a lot of 💩 and am back to 134.2. At 5’7” I feel like anything below 130 on me might not look so great and will look too lean.
After being the leanest I’ve ever been, I definitely see areas that need more building so I’m thankful for the extra calories and hope they go straight to pure muscle on my glutes and shoulders! I’ve also been working my abs more because I slacked on them so bad this past year I definitely didn’t have as many lines as others on stage, I was just flat. The good thing was that was the first show and now I can see what’s under all the body fat I had and can see where we need to work!
So we’re definitely in a good place to keep some gains coming and get in some extra credit efforts in the gym!
Off topic, my first blog on here was a ballet blog as an adult ballet dancer! I’ve recently started taking class at home again, even though my floor set up is not ideal, because all of the local classes are week to week instead of having drop in options.
Macros haven’t changed this week and cardio is still 45 min 5 days a week which is much nicer than the hour I was doing 7 weeks out last time because we had so much body fat to lose. Still trying to figure out eating at my new job, but I’ll keep you guys updated with recipes and the bartender bikini prep life as we go!
I’ve had a few chocolate lapses this week because for some reason my cravings are crazy, but trying to get used to being hungry during long shifts and just dealing with it again.
I have seen a change in my waist, abs and glutes for the better while we’ve been eating more than last prep, and I know those are some areas I need to build in. I want to compete as much as possible this year and get that pro card, and see where I can go with this, so the little bites and tastes are being cut. No more “one fry” at work (thankfully temptations aren’t available at my new job!)
I’m ready for change, and will be successful. I will come in tighter and leaner for this show and I will get my pro card!
So last week I allowed myself to have a few treats and it’s perfectly ok. I stayed pretty close to my macros, and enjoyed some chocolate after my cheating 2 days post show!
I allowed myself to have wine, pizza, mozzarella sticks, sushi, donuts, Cadbury eggs…whatever. It’s out of my system and I’m ready to be back on the wagon for my next show before we go into a building season.
Looking at my stage photos I’m SO proud of how I did and placed! I’m so happy I placed at all! First in Masters Class B and Third in Debut Class B! I also see where I can improve! I need to work on those shoulder caps (lateral and posterior especially), growing the glutes, and tightening the waistline coming in leaner. My abs could use more work too because when I was in my building season last summer I was not only drinking too much, but skipping ab workouts. Adding some weighted ab exercise and more ab training will get my lines to pop more!
Monday 5/23/22, First check in post show
Weight: 136.6, 1.6 lbs above stage weight
Not mad about this at all! Now I’m not going to be updating my weight and documenting daily like I was during peak week, but I will do weekly updates from check ins and start posting more of my workouts, food, and fitness tips. I’d love to use my graphic design skills to make infographics, custom fitness illustrations, and designs for the fitness industry. If only I could get a JOB as a graphic designer for a fitness or supplement company or really anything in the bodybuilding world. I’ll keep dreaming and manifesting. Everything I need is within me. On that note I’m going to explore a new opportunity tonight and am nervous but super excited. Can’t compete when you’re broke!
The good thing is we are going into this (or continuing this) prep with more food and less cardio and the scale has been good to me. I’ve been able to have more energy and really push weights in the gym. I’ve been trying to focus on the muscle contracting as I lift. I really see where I need more roundness in my glute and shoulder muscles and am breathing and focusing on them as I work.
Another thing I’m working on is my NASM-CPT and Nutrition Coach certifications. If the bar doesn’t work out, I could work as a trainer and NC at a gym which would leave my weekends open for weddings and competing!
I feel like good things are coming and I just have to be patient, keep working hard, and keep putting myself out there. In my career, I have a lot of talent and things to offer. Just because I’m not appreciated now doesn’t mean that I won’t find somewhere else to appreciate me.
Photography, design, my illustration idea, and a new start at a new place are exactly what I need. Going into this next show at a better starting point is going to help me come in better than before!
The number one question I’ve been asked lately “what have you been doing?” “What are you eating?” “Send me everything you eat!” Well friends, that’s why I have this blog! It’s all here!
While on bikini contest prep, I have adhered to macros, workouts and cardio tailored to me by my coach based on how I’m looking/ feeling and show timeline. I will admit that I was NOT 100% compliant until about 2 months before the show, and even then I had a few slip ups.
There is no magic pill. It takes dedication and no excuses. You can’t binge drink and eat pizza every day and expect it to just happen!
Up until about a month before the show I was having one alcoholic drink with dinner with my boyfriend per week. Before that it was a couple per week and maybe a shot or 2 at work (I’m 100% over that now). I cheated on my birthday with lots of wine, lobster ravioli, sushi, lobster rolls and more wine in February. I really doubted I could do any of this for quite a while. I loved my booze, am encouraged to drink at work, and love date nights with my boyfriend! Then one day it just clicked. What am I doing with my life? Do I want to be like these drunk people acting foolish and going nowhere in life? Or do I want to be healthier, feel amazing, change my life, figure out my purpose and true career goals. Well the answer was clear. Immediately, all the leftover Tito’s in my house was poured out. I practiced in the mirror “no thank you, I’m prepping to win a bikini bodybuilding contest” when booze and bad food was shoved in my face at work. At first it was hard, I craved my relaxing glass of wine at the end of the night. I was asked to go out and get wasted by my friends. I said no. I was 100% compliant to Malayna’s guidelines and pulled a 360° turn around (her words)! The weight from quitting drinking alone fell off. The first 10 lbs were easy. After a few weeks I didn’t crave alcohol at all. Even now, after indulging in post show treats and a few glasses of wine, I noted my goal wasn’t to get drunk, but to just enjoy a social drink. I also noted I will 100% take chocolate over wine any day!!! Not drinking alcohol is something I don’t even think about anymore, and I don’t miss it. I never want to act like a fool (it’s a good time to be the only sober one and see the mess take place) or wake up feeling like I got hit by a bus hungover. Your girl has too many goals!
Ok so now that my alcohol speech is over (it really did make a huge difference how I got here) let’s move on.
Since I started working with Malayna, I have been attempting to drink a gallon of water a day as our protocol. Literally, for months it was the hardest dang thing ever! I’ve hit it a few times, but not consistent until probably around February. Like anything, the more I planned for it the easier it got. During peak week I was drinking a gallon and a half a day, so yea the gallon is easy now!
Pick things up and put them down. Heavy things. Don’t be afraid to lift HEAVY (with good form of course)! I’d always go to the gym and lift 5-10 lbs and do hours of cardio because I was afraid of bulking. You will not get bulky! You want those muscles to show when you lose the fat and lifting heavy burns more fat! My coach gives me my workouts tailored to me and my goals. I’ve never missed a workout and have always been 100% in the gym even on vacation and toward the end of prep when I just want to sleep.
No you can’t avoid cardio completely (except in off season, when I was building it was like 10 minutes a day and a 10k step goal) and if you’re prepping for a show it can get intense. My highest cardio of peak week was 90 minutes of incline walking. No HIIT, no sprinting, no running. Just walk. Walking is the best thing to lose weight. Seriously. Most of my prep I was doing 45-75 minutes 6 days a week. This is also mostly my own fault for not complying with the no alcohol thing. This time around we’re starting with 45 min a day and seeing what my weight does post show.
45 min a day is great! I loveeeee a nice sunny day, a good Podcast in my earbuds and a walk around my neighborhood! Those 90 min sessions were friggin tough, but I just had to watch some YouTube and push.
Macros. What’s a macro? A very common question I’ve been asked lately! Macros, or Macronutrients, are Protein, Carbohydrates and Fats that you consume through the day. Micronutrients are vitamins and minerals. My coach sets my Macro goals for me based on what my body is doing and how far out we are. Peak week my carbs got as low as 80 grams a day to dry me out. Currently we’re at 145 grams a day on diet break/ reverse before we push into this next show. Now I see what I’m capable of I’m ready to beat my last package!
Again, there is no magic pill. It takes work, time and dedication. The biggest excuse I hear is I don’t have time. If it’s that important to you to look good, you make time. We all have jobs (I have 3), commitments, bills, etc. The only thing I don’t have to worry about that a lot of people do is kids. But I also know plenty of women who have kids and also compete and live a healthy life for their families and themselves. Put yourself first for once!
Take an hour a week to meal prep for yourself. Put your hair in a messy bun and rock out to some T Swift and cook! My 1 hour meal prep is coming on the blog soon!
Take 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes before bed to plan. Failure to plan is planning to fail. Before I go to bed I think of what is left in my fridge, what’s going to go bad, what am I craving, and start thinking of meals for the next day.
Groceries: Make a list! I’ll be providing my grocery store staples on and off prep. I actually find on prep I spend less at the grocery store. Unless I plan on making something special, my meals and groceries are pretty much the same every week.
Workout: Write up a workout plan or find a free one online! I’ll also be blogging and writing up plans for busy people so stay tuned! I love the YouTube workouts by Pamela RF. They’re quick and fun! She even has calendars on her social that tell you exactly what to do. There’s always 10 minutes if you want it bad enough. Start with 30 minutes 3x a week.
Walk: Park farther away, walk to the mailbox, walk the dog (heck, walk the cat, kids, hamster….whatever) walk for 10 minutes at lunch after you eat, walk around the block after dinner. Start with trying to get 5k steps a day, then 6k, then 7k etc!
Water: Go on Amazon and buy a half gallon water bottle. They’re pretty (mines pink!) and easier to carry than a 1 gallon. Try to finish it around 1:00, then fill her up! I use mine to measure and just pour water out of it to make sugar free lemonade, drink my BCAA’s and my greens and reds. Anything to get the water in!
My next post will be a full day of eating, with a video so you can see everything I ate on Wednesday, May 18 while on diet break after my contest.
What is next for me?
I’m not going to lie, prep has got me in such a routine that I almost feel lost without daily checks ins and posing. I guess I’m feeling the “post show blues” even though I’m still on prep. Because we have 10 weeks and I’m starting in a better place. I definitely want to make some tweaks to posing and make it more fluid and dancer-like (seeing as I am a ballet dancer!) and I have some great ideas for my next I-Walk! I started at the gym today even though I didn’t have my heels.
I also have been looking for a new apartment since the rumor around town is that we’re getting a 22% increase I can’t afford by myself. All of my friends are married or live with their boyfriends so a roomate isn’t an option. I spent all day calling apartments and hearing the same thing….we’re full. Even if we weren’t full, we start at $2,000 a month. SERIOUSLY!? Even the ghetto of West Warwick where I’d have to live among druggies is full. Literally everything is FULL. So I had a minor panic attack because since my shifts at work were taken away and the only 2 shifts I have left are really half shifts because they’re shared, and the lack of customer service because everyone is focused on drinking and partying is driving away customers is leaving me almost making less than when I worked full time in graphic design. I had a minor “what am I going to do with my life?!” Meltdown today and came up with some solutions.
1. Weddings are picking up! Yay! I’d like something to do during the week to earn money though.
2. Fitness photo shoots? Travel?
3. Remote design work! It’s everywhere!
4. Custom illustration. Pets, dancers, weddings, whatever. Bikini show day illustration??? I don’t think ANYONE has done that!!
5. NASM- Finish CPT and Nutrition Coach classes! I could do this at my gym during the week since I pretty much live there!
Ok that’s all I have for now. For my background, I have a degree in Fine Art, a degree in graphic design, and have been running my own wedding photography business since 2015. I have more talent and skills and don’t get drunk and give terrible service at a bar where I’m unappreciated (yes I’m being a salty beach, I’m just fed up). I know my worth, and I want to make a difference in peoples lives by helping them find the same Zen I have with living my fittest, healthiest life.
No matter what hurdles I have to face I will do it.